The #1 Reason Why You Should Kiss with Your Eyes Open

The day: Sunday. 

My hubby and I sat in our usual seats at church, people know I’ll cut them if they take my seat. I’m one of those Christians. 😉

Hubster has this thing about having to sit on the end of a row. No matter where we are. The minute a speaker or pastor says, “Could you scoot in please?” he bristles and makes a point to whisper in my ear, “I dare somebody to tell me to move in. If they wanted a seat, they should have showed up early or on time.”  He’s one of those Christians. 😉

The worship was intense, the music building a bridge to heaven it seemed. My eyes were closed as I let the Lord run away with me. I may have even cried a little. 

Then our pastor took the stage and turned the direction of the service.

“I’d like for you to find your spouse,” (some had gone to the altar to pray or worship) “and pray for each other.”

It was moving and I was ready to pray for my man. My husband is a lot taller than me, doesn’t take much, so I simply moved up on my knees so I could speak into his ear all the words the Lord would have me say to encourage and show my love for him. Prayer reveals your heart, you know.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, eyes still closed, moved by the music. I nuzzled my lips against the softness of his neck, giving him a light peck, or two. Yes in church! And then I began to pray…not loud…it was an intimate setting. I whispered against his neck, the soft spot below his ear.

I inhaled deeply and froze. Something was wrong.

A smell I didn’t recognize confused my mind. 

My body froze. Heat filled my cheeks. Fear kept my eyes closed.

The sudden reality hit me like sumo wrestler speed skating in my direction. 

This man was not my husband.

What was I to do? I finished praying. Yes, oh yes, I did. Then I as quietly as before, slid off my knees, scooted over to my seat and sat down, burying my head in my hands. Many questions flying through my head.

“Seriously, God? You couldn’t give me a heads up?”

More fear.

“Oh for the love, who BEHIND me saw this? I’ll be the talk of the church for reasons that are actually valid!”

Well our vision statement says Love Connect Impact. I did it better than anyone.

“Where the crap is Tim?” 

A few moments later, my real husband appeared. He sat beside me, put his arm around me and knowing me better than anyone paused before he said, “What did you do?”

Guess the writing was on the wall of my face.

“I sorta cheated on you for a minute.”

He scratched his head. “Say that again?”

I explained what I did, making sure to blame him for going to the altar. How dare he feel led to pray! And: “You never scoot in. You always sit on the end!” I’d forgotten that when he heard a new young man in his mid-twenties was visiting for the first time SINCE HE GOT OUT OF PRISON that my husband found him and invited him to sit with us–giving him the end seat!

Did he forget what kind of Christians we were? I mean, seriously!

“Jess, you have to tell him you thought it was me!” 

“What? Like now?” Mortification set in like rigor mortise. Rigor Mortification.

At that moment, I was pretty sure every one was ignoring our pastor and glaring at me. You know, for cheating on my husband during service.

When church was over, I said to the guy, “Um, I just think you should know, that I totally thought you were my husband when I smooched your neck and prayed for you…and our children.”

He grinned. “It’s okay.”

My husband rolled his eyes at me, maybe at the ex-con. Probably me. He does that a lot. It’s a cycle. I do or say something. He rolls his eyes. It works for us. 

 Later in the car when hubby was reenacting the whole scene and laughing at my expense (also a cycle that works for us) he said, “I’ll bet he put his membership in today. Way to make new people feel welcome, Jess!”

“He said it was okay!”

“Yeah, I’ll bet it was!” 

We still laugh about that. And he reminds me often: “Please keep your lips to yourself…or to me.”  

*I did kiss another man in our house during small groups. I went one way, he went another, and back, for a hug and SMACK! It was his first time to small groups at our house.
 I told hubby, “It was an accident.” 
He said, “You’re having them too often.” 🙂

#1 reason to keep your eyes open while kissing (or praying): Really? Do I have to spell it out?

Have a great weekend!

Care to share an embarrassing moment? I’d love to read them…and laugh!  

26 thoughts on “The #1 Reason Why You Should Kiss with Your Eyes Open

  1. I canNOT believe you posted this for the whole wide interwebs to read! Or maybe I can!

    I've got so many embarrassing moments, it'd be hard to pick just one…seems like they happen to me all the time!

  2. LoL. I can't breathe and I just spit milk all over my computer, but it was worth it.

    Great post, Jessica! I will be laughing about this all day. Thank you so much for sharing it.

    My embarrassing and slightly inappropriate moment happened in front of about 30 teenagers.

    I was hurrying to make announcements at the of class, collecting papers, getting kids to sit down and wait for the bell, that kind of thing.

    In my rush I made the rather loud announcement, "This test tomorrow is pretty difficult. So I want everyone to go home to tonight and study your nuts." (Of course, I meant notes.)

    It was suddenly DEAD silent. Until one person in the back said, quietly, "Did she just tell us to study our nuts?"

    Then the whole class lost it. I just went to my desk and banged my head against it until the bell rang.

  3. Hilarious! Just what I needed to brighten my morning. Thanks Jess 🙂

  4. Jessica! My mouth was hanging open the entire time I was reading this! That is hilarious (because it was you and not me). I would have DIED!!! But it is good to laugh about it… Now. LOL

  5. Ohhh, Jess. I am LAUGHING and LAUGHING and LAUGHING. I may just have to share this as a Friday find next week. I don't usually ask permission – but I think I will. Is it okay?? I also would have dropped dead RIGHT THERE!

  6. Oh Jess. I need a tissue for that one. Seriously, girl. Keep your eyes open. LoL.

    But I DO understand the scent thing. When my hubs doesn't have HIS scent I stay away until he smells right. And he knows it.

    Thanks so much for the laugh. Can't wait to share this with my hubs. Good laughs like this have been too rare for us these days and will do him a world of good–just like it did me. 😉

  7. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh…I'm laughing sooo hard. And I needed this today! (Being back at work after a week away at the awesome ACFW – yeah, not my favorite!) Thank you for the laugh. You have a very understanding husband…hehehe…

  8. Oh, that is hilarious, Jessica! Even though you were embarrassed, that man at least had someone to pray over him. And it's good your husband took it all in stride 🙂 Great guy.

    I like to hog the end of the row, too. It may be the claustrophobic thing. Or maybe it's just a tall person thing. We like to have leg room.

    Have a great weekend!

  9. Oh my! Can't believe this really happened to you! Talk about mortifying moments…Glad the guy had a sense of humor!

    Appreciate you stopping by Life Lessons! Wow! Thanks for that wonderful insight! Just gave a lesson on Abraham and Sarah last night and read these verses. How true that He IS our 'exceeding great reward'! Appreciate the reminder. Have a fantastic weekend basking in your reward! Hugs!

  10. Before I retired I made presentations using an overhead projector. I personalized them by writing on the transparency – except for the time I wrote on the door of my prospect's office, which I was using instead of a screen. For some reason, he didn't buy. . . .

  11. Oh my stars, Jessica Patch! You are HYSTERICAL!! You must must must write this scene into a book if you haven't already.

    Thanks for the laugh–at your expense. I don't apologize for it. 🙂

  12. Very funny. I have never been kissed by a random woman, in church or anywhere else.

  13. ROFLOL! Funniest post I've read in a long time! HILARIOUS! Love your hubby's response about those accidents happening too often.

    Several years ago my hubby was on a business trip. The morning he was supposed to leave, I wanted to call and let him know I was thinking of him. I asked the front desk to connect me to his room. He answered a sleepy hello–he was an hour behind us–and I made a few intimate comments meant for his ears only. There was a pause. Then I gulped and asked if it was room 332.

    No, it was not.

    I rushed an apology and hung up. The phone rang. This time it WAS my husband on the other line. He said he tried to call but the line was busy. I told him I was too busy hitting on another guy…sigh. Yes, that will end up in a novel someday.

  14. HYSTERICAL! How you maintained composure is beyond my comprehension. I would have wanted to curl up in the fetal position under a chair. I assume the guy was single?

  15. Melissa aka Tin Roof: Of course you know I'll post it! I'll post anything. lol

    Dawn: Your nuts have me rolling. LOL Love that story.

    Jessica, Jennifer, Joanne: Glad you got a morning laugh! It's a great medicine. And I figure if I can laugh at myself, everyone else ought to as well.

    Patty: Hope your DH gets a kick out of it!

    Melissa: My DH is very understanding, as I do junk like this a lot. Like a lot!

    Brandi: I think DH just likes to be able to have the freedom to get out without anyone in his way, but it might be the leg thingy. I wouldn't know since I'm only 5 ft. lol

    Maria: I loved the blog today. Good stuff. I always look forward to your insight and wisdom. 🙂

    David: That is hilarious! lol I wouldn't have bought it either. ha!

    Jennifer: I haven't wrote it in a scene yet, but it's definitely one to consider! lol

    Brett: Sit by me at church. 😉

    Lisa: That is hilarious! I can so hear the heavy breathing…from your end of the phone. lol So funny!!

    Christa: Yep, he was single. If not I might have titled the post: Cat fight in the 4th pew. That's why DH invited him to sit with us. We were over the Young Adult (18-28 singles) group. LOL

  16. Funny funny funny….still laughing…can't comment on anything else….

    You have a very good hubby…

  17. HILARIOUS!!!! Too, too funny and so glad the man understood your situation. I might have tried blaming hormones or a fugue moment or something there to wax over it all. :O)

  18. This was SO funny! You are hilarious! You definitely gave him something to come back for–ha! ha!

    And I love what you've done with your site–it looks so fresh and appealing! Have an awesome weekend!

  19. I am DYING laughing here, Jessica Patch! That HAS to be the funniest church blooper story I have EVER read! I am forwarding this one to my hubby! So were you ever able to look the ex-con visitor in the eye again?? And did he wear a new cologne the next time he visited? 😉

    And by the way, you have a style of writing that keeps a reader READING! Thought you'd like to know. 🙂

  20. Jessica, this is waaay too funny!! I kept laughing the whole way through. You are one naughty wife!

    You crack me up! I'm ROFL over here. Mercy, have some pity on my poor heart. It's not as stable as it once was.
    So sorry I missed this post on Friday…hahahaha Oops, I already said that. heehee

  22. Oh my gosh you had me laughing out loud this morning!! LOL!!!!! I would have died of embarrassment! DIED!! You and your husband are too funny. And btw, we are that kind of couple too–hubby loves his aisle seat!

  23. Oh my this is hilarious. Found your blog via Joanne @ An Open Book. Thanks for the morning laugh.

  24. Oh my! I usually, uh, step in "things." How brave of you to share this with the whole world. But I'm glad you did. You brightened everyone's day!

  25. LOL!!! Sometimes we do some crazy stuff when we're not paying attention, eh? I've had some moments of my own like that! Cracked me up today, Jessica R. Patch!

  26. LOL!! Oh NO! I feel so embarrassed for you just reading this. Oh my goodness. Thanks for sharing, Jessica!


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